Slayers HUH?!?
by Shi Ryuu
Summary: Lots of Slayers Madness when L-sama get's bored. (Lina/Xelloss bias)


Slayers Huh?!? Episode 1 

Hi Peeps! This is a comedy I wrote with my roomate IDC ( scribeoffate@icqmail.com ). We wrote it a while ago, and the whole series isn't done yet, but it's pretty funny so i decided to post it. ^.^ Please Read and Review. 

[insert standard boring disclaimer here] ^.^ 

Episode 1: In Which Amelia gets some divine inspiration.   
by IDC and Shi 

The Lord of Nightmares was bored. 

IDC: Shi, are you laughing evilly at me?   
Shi: *Evil laughter * 

L-sama watched her favorite people. They were usually quite diverting, but at the moment they weren't proving much fun. It seemed they were too busy listening to that annoying justice freak of a princess to be properly amusing. She'd have to take care of that. Suddenly an idea bubble floated up from the depths of the Sea of chaos. 

IDC: Oh shit…this can't be good…  
Shi: I don't know, sounds happy to me…. ~_^  
IDC: Sadist.   
Shi: Yepperz! Heh, heh. 

L-sama smirked, sent the golden bubble down towards Ameila, and flicked her fingers towards the currently cringing demon of the group. Perhaps now things would get interesting… 

"…and justice shall…!" Amelia suddenly stumbled in the middle of one of her heroic speeches, and looked around dazed for a moment. 

"Uh…where was I?" 

Xellos had stopped wincing and had his usual "I'm to cute to be real" smirk plastered once more firmly on his face. "This is the part where you fall off the tree and land on your head Ameila-san!" he chirped. 

Amelia started to stalk towards the Trickster Priest, in order to hit him with the Hammer of Justice™, and promptly tripped, in typical anime fashion, landing only on her face. 

"See?" Xellos giggled, while wiggling his index fingers at Lina's fallen protégé. 

"Xellos-san, you're soooo meeeeaaaannnn!" Amelia wailed, after attempting to pick herself off the ground and succeeding, only to catch her foot on the edge of her cape and tumble back down. 

"Ah, ah, ah, Amelia-san, I am a mazoku, wouldn't it be wrong for me to go against my nature?" 

Amelia sputtered and tried to think of an appropriate retort for the demon, but suddenly she found herself even more preoccupied with Zelgadis then her normal obsession allowed for. Said angst-y blue chimera stalked silently near the head of the small group, blissfully unaware, or at least not so grumpily unaware, of the sudden attention he had drawn from the overly zealous princess. 

~* * *~

Xellos silently watched Amelia exit the inn on her own and head towards the shopping district. He had the oddest feeling that something interesting would happen if he followed her for a while. He disappeared "now-you-see-him-now-you-don't™" style, to reappear invisibly over her shoulder. His eyes widened and his perpetually cheerful smile turned genuine at the sight of the label on the small glass bottle the sugar queen received from an oddly cloaked woman. Oh, now this would be fun… 

IDC: Erm?  
Shi: *evil giggle * 

Zelgadis sat sipping his third cup of coffee for the morning. He found himself, vaguely annoyed as usual, at the normal chaotic phenomenon, the other members of his group termed "breakfast." He was anxious to be on his way, but knew it would do more harm than good, to prod them. Amelia, Gourry, and Lina all dueled to the death, over the eggs, or at least they would have if they had been using something other than spoons, as it was, their mortal coils remained largely intact. Oddly enough, he noted, even Filia was participating in the circus, which had become something of a ritual with them. 

"Zelgadis-san?" Amelia asked around a mouthful of food. She had been watching him sip at his current cup of joe between bites. If it hadn't been a common occurrence, Zelgadis might have found that odd. As it was, the justice fairy tended to stare at him almost as much as she gave justice speeches, so he didn't notice the odd gleam in her eyes, or the fact that she had discretely moved the coffee pot out of easy reach to everyone but herself. 

Zelgadis sighed. "Hai, Amelia?" He really wasn't in the mood for silliness this morning. 

"Would you like some more coffee Zelgadis-san?" Her big expressive eyes looked even more innocent then usual. 

"If you insist." He replied. He wasn't in the mood for her prodding either. Why couldn't they just eat a small, fast breakfast like any normal people, and be on their way? 

Shi: Normal people? He's still traveling with the demon, the "Chaos and Destruction Poster Girl", Sugary Pink Princess of Justice, and Jellyfish for brains Swordsman right?  
IDC: You left out the Golden Dragon of Pity Parties, and the Chibi-demon Dragon.  
Shi: O_o that's what I thought…think all the caffeine has gone to poor Zel's stone head?  
IDC: *shrug * 

"So, how close are we to the Really, Really, Old Wish Granting Thingy?" Lina asked, finally leaning back in her chair and patting her stomach, after devouring the last of the sausages. 

Shi: In other words our poor excuse for a plot.  
IDC: Hey, it's better than most the of the Sailor Moon plots.  
Shi: What Sailor Moon Plots? '=\  
IDC: Exactly. 

Xellos appeared hovering over the table, his Big Ass Book of Infinite Knowledge in hand. He nonchalantly reached for the cup of coffee Amelia had finished pouring, before she could hand it to Zelgadis. No one but Zelgadis and Filia reacted to Xellos's sudden appearance, having become well acquainted with Xellos's antics. Zelgadis glared balefully at the demon, and resisted the sudden overwhelming urge to hurl a Big Ass Fireball ™ in his direction. Even though he was unaware of what Xellos had done to deserve it, he had to have done something. 

Filia reflexively moved Baby Valgaav as far away from the suspiciously smirking General-Priest as possible without getting up. She wondered for a moment if he was up to something, then decided that it was just his usual "im-trying-to-pretend-to-look-innocent™" grin. 

Shi: I love that grin.  
IDC: Similar to the one you're wearing now, ne?  
Shi: Hee-hee. 

"It says here that the Really, Really Old Wish Granting Thingy is exactly 3.14159265359 paces from the third ring finger of the Blue Spider's Glove, on the right." 

"Oh, is that all," Lina commented sarcastically. 

"Leave it to, namagomi, here, to start us on an impossible quest," Filia hurummphed. 

Xellos did that cute little eyebrow twitchy thing, that clearly said, "I'm trying very hard to keep up my perpetually cheerful demeanor whilst refraining from blasting you into teeny tiny ittsy bittsy subatomic golden dragon pieces, extra crispy™". "That's all I have to say about that," Xellos quipped in a strange accent. The group looked at him oddly, and he giggled. 

"Uh…. What's so funny?" Gourry asked, scratching his head. 

"Sore wa himitsu desu." 

Baby Valgaav blinked at the strange grown-ups. And wondered why the hell Aunty Amelia was jumping at Uncky Xellos's tea. 

IDC: Baby Valgaav?!?  
Shi: Uncky Xellos… Hee-hee. 

Xellos glanced at Amelia out of the corner of one closed eye. And found it necessary to float a little higher as her tenacious jumping for his cup became more accurate. 

Meanwhile, Zelgadis had motioned for the waitress to bring him another cup of coffee, in a vain attempt to keep the minor spectacle from escalating to a major scene. 

IDC: How long has he been traveling with these people?  
Shi: This is a minor spectacle? 'Course you can't blame the cute blue rock-y thing for wanting his coffee.  
IDC: Chimera, Shi, chimera. Do you recall the discussion we had about this?  
Shi: "…." *blink * k? 

"Xellos-san! That's for Zelgadis-san!" 

"You mean this?" Xellos smiled, holding the coffee cup daintily, pinkie out. To Amelia's great dismay, he downed the entire cup, in one gulp. Then he looked directly at Lina, and said, "……." *blink * 

The cup slipped from his suddenly nerveless fingers, shattering musically. This had the unusual effect of silencing the group. Zelgadis made a mental note, to remember to drop something next time he wanted these people's attention. Finally something useful from the demon. 

Xellos seemed not to notice the odd stillness. "OH LINA-SAMA!" he shouted, using his demonic speed to dive across the table, enveloping Lina in a bear hug that would make Prince Phil proud. 

IDC: Y'know, Shi, it's interesting how similar Lina-sama and L-sama sound….  
Shi: Shh. L-sama might hear you. Remember what happened last time? *maniacal giggling*  
IDC: erm…o_O 

"GET THIS DEMON OFF ME!" 

IDC: Should we say Lina shouted?  
Shi: No, I think that's a given.  
IDC: Urghh…I didn't know a human limb was capable of moving that way.  
Shi: It's not! *giggle*  
IDC: Xellos is enjoying that, ne?  
Shi: Silly masochistic demon. Tee-hee. 

Gourry, Filia and Zelgadis had finally succeeded in pulling a struggling Xellos off of a fuming Lina, who now had Amelia incapacitated in a headlock. 

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Lina shouted as she did that "spiffy, anime fire-aura-y thing™". 

The currently justice disinclined, Amelia, began babbling about demons, justice and guilt. The only thing the others caught, was her final wail of, "How could I be so unjust?!" 

After several smacks from our anti-heroine, Amelia confessed to the horrendous crime of trying to chemically sway Zelgadis's emotions with his coffee. 

IDC: For those of you who don't…  
Shi: speak justice-ese.   
IDC: She a put a love potion…  
Shi: in the blue rock-y thing's drink.  
IDC&Shi: STOP THAT.  
*evil giggling * 

"I don't know what got into me," Amelia sobbed. "It's like I'm just as immoral as the rest of you." The group glared at her in unison. And Lina gave her the look that clearly stated" I'm trying very hard to keep up my perpetually cheerful demeanor whilst refraining from blasting you into teeny tiny ittsy bittsy subatomic sugary princess pieces, extra crispy™". Zelgadis threw his hands up in defeat, leaving Xellos free to jump Lina again. 

Shi: He's the blue rock-y thing.  
IDC: And you're the one who doesn't like to overuse adjectives?!  
Shi: Redundancy CAN be our friend. When it's annoying. 

"That's it," he said, "now I really AM traveling on my own," as he stalked off toward the door. 

Shi: But he doesn't make it, because Lina Dragon Slaves the Inn first.  
IDC: Don't you suppose that's spoiling?  
Shi: Nopperz. It's a given.  
IDC: Yes, I know how to spell BoB-speak.  
Shi: You're one of the very few…  
IDC: Ne-ways…back to the story…  
Shi: Oh, I'm sowwy…  
IDC: No, no you're not.  
Shi: You're right. 

"…be destroyed by the power you and I possess…." Lina whispered angrily. Everyone ducked and covered, realizing that it would probably do them about as much good as it would have against nukes in the 50's, except for Xellos who clung to Lina's hip like… 

IDC: We need a colorful analogy here…  
Shi: …like water on a duck's back?  
IDC: No. I don't think that works….  
Shi:aww…how about …like a rabid purple pitbull with its sharp pointy teeth buried in the nape of a decaying sewer rat carcass with one ear.  
IDC: ii desu ne! 

"…be destroyed by the power you and I possess…." Lina whispered angrily. Everyone ducked and covered, realizing that it would probably do them about as much good as it would have against nukes in the 50's, except for Xellos who clung to Lina's hip like a rabid purple pitbull with its sharp pointy teeth buried in the nape of a decaying sewer rat carcass with one ear. 

IDC: Copy/paste is our friend.  
Shi: What you didn't want to type …like a rabid purple pitbull with it's sharp pointy teeth buried in the nape of a decaying sewer rat carcass with one ear?  
IDC: NO. No, I did not. 

"DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!" 

As the smoke cleared, Lina stepped out of the encircling arms of the Trickster Priest, as though they were a distasteful pink skirt and managed to find Amelia long enough to drop-kick her out of the crater. 

"And don't come back without the antidote!" 

"But Lina-chan, I don't need an antidote! I love you!" 

As Lina began to snarl and swear, Filia covered Baby Valgaav's ears. 

"Why, Lina-chan, you say the nicest things!" 

Lina began beating Xellos over the head, repeatedly. After several minutes of beating, and the destruction of anything remotely resembling a structure, a small suspicious looking bottle rolled out of Xellos's cloak. 

Baby Valgaav picked up the pretty, shiny bottle and waved in the air. "Ba-ba!" he shouted in a cute little baby voice, all the while wishing for a larger fucking vocabulary. 

"Oh look! It's the REAL quote, "horrendous unjust chemical"! I guess that means I replaced it and wasn't under its influence after all." 

"NANI!?" Lina shouted, confiscating Filia's mace from under her skirt, dropping the whiny golden dragon on her ass in the process. "What the hell do you mean by that?!" 

Xellos winked and giggled. 

Shi: Should we leave it like that?  
IDC: Yeah, "Shinpulu izu besuto", ne?  
Shi: *starts laughing and spits the Pepsi she was drinking out*  
IDC: Japlish wa watashi-tachi no tomodachi desu.  
Shi: For those of you who don't speak Japanese, or aren't picking it up from your roommate, a tomodachi is not an electronic pet. (translation of about Japanese: Japlish is our friend.) 

"Sore wa himitsu desu!" he shouted, disappearing right before Filia's, er... Lina's mace could make contact with his grinning demon face. He reappeared beside her, kissing her on the cheek, once again barely missing the swing of the mace. And then he disappeared like yesterday's gossip.   
And then Lina turned red. Seven shades of atomic red, to be exact. In fact, she might have turned more colors of red, but they would have been infrared, so we couldn't have seen them anyway. 

"Let's find Zel and Amelia," she exclaimed, sounding slightly flustered. She stomped out of the crater, dragging Baby Valgaav and Gourry behind her. 

"You're not seriously going to let him off that easily are you?!" Filia demanded. When no one commented, Filia picked up her mace, exasperated, and ran off towards her friends. 

And they all ran off into a western sunset. 

Shi: *blink * *twitch*  
IDC: hee-hee.  
Shi: *whimper * Meany.  
IDC: My turn to giggle evilly!  
Shi: Ack. 

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

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